Why do awful things happen to the sweetest, most wonderful people?

This is just one of the many questions that has been going through my head a lot lately. I’m the kind of person who is always asking questions about everything.

But not all questions have an answer. And that’s a problem for me. I like being in control of things, knowing the reasons why things happen, and knowing what is in store for me. But I can’t. There’s no way I can predict the future, and that terrifies me.

Freshman year was a huge change for me. Going away to college, dealing with the loss of my dad, making new friends, starting a new job. But I dealt with the change, and I was fine. I had a good freshman year.

Fall semester of my sophomore year, which just ended, is a different story. Not gonna lie—it was a pretty difficult semester. I did have some great moments with wonderful people, but a lot of the semester was stress/grief filled. My classes were very challenging, and the loss of my dad was really starting to hit me. Freshman year I was still kind of “numb,” and this past semester that numbness faded and at times, grief really hit me hard. I had to learn how to deal with it in my own way. At the end of the semester, my grandma broke her leg. Within the past two weeks, two students in my sophomore class at Baylor have passed away. When things like this happen, when terrible, uncontrollable events take place, I can’t help but wonder- “why?”

Even if I tried, I can’t really answer that question. There’s only one who really has the answers—God. I have to trust that these things happen for a reason…even if it’s something I can’t understand. I can’t be in control, and I can’t have all the answers, but I can have faith.

 I need to constantly remind myself that things happen that are out of our control…things that anger us, sadden us, perplex us. We may not have the answers when we want them, but one day we will understand “why.” Meanwhile, we have to acknowledge the things we cannot change, accept not having all the answers, and rejoice in and focus on the good things in life.

“iii can seee what’s happening.”

“WHAT?!”

“andd they don’t have a clue.”

“WHO?!”

“they’ll fall in love and here’s the bottom line..our trio’s down to two.”

“oh.”

“ze zweet ca-ress of twilight. there’s MAGIC..in the air. and with all this ro-maantic atmosphere, diSASter’s in the air.”

:)

If you don’t know who I’m talking about from the title, this post probably won’t mean much to you.

But if you knew I was referring to Taylor Swift..guess what?! She’s going to be in Austin this October! So excited! I must somehow get tickets.

There’s a lot of things that have happened this week that have made my heart race with fear/joy/excitement/surprise/nervousness.

I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions because of all the craziness that has ensued. If you’ve talked to me at some point in the past few days, I’ve most likely told you at least one story. And you’ve probably laughed at me.

I won’t waste your time on here talking about everything, but I guess the point of writing this is to say that life constantly surprises me. And I love it. The future used to scare me a lot, and in parts of it still do. Sometimes I still spend too much time worrying about things I can’t control. But this week has definitely helped me to live more in the moment and take things as they come—good or bad. It’s kind of exciting not knowing what’s just around the corner. A couple computer viruses, my sister getting engaged(!), chasing three dogs around the neighborhood, recieving a letter from myself written a year ago, people constantly surprising me in wonderful ways—you know, the usual. Just kidding. Obviously that’s not typical, everyday stuff. But that’s what is great about life. Anything can happen! Don’t give up on the future. There’s great things waiting for you that you’ve never imagined.

Despite the fact that I went to bed at 3:30 AM last night and woke up at 8:00 AM to go to work, my heart is still beating fast with the events of this week. I keep replaying everything in my mind, convincing myself that it all actually happened.You never know what is coming your way. If you are at a point where it feels like there is nothing going on or there’s not a lot of exciting things to look forward to…just wait. You’ll see.

[ The song in my title is “Faster” by Matt Nathanson. If you haven’t heard it, check it out.:) ]

After you read this blog you may think I’m a raging maniac who gets upset at the littlest things. But hear me out.

So this happened to me about an hour ago and I’m still fuming. My grandma asked me to get her a card for a dollar at the Dollar General store. After class I went to get it. While looking at the cards, I noticed that some were individually priced higher than a dollar but the sign above them said “2 for one dollar.” So I decided to get an extra one so that my total would just be one dollar. After checking out, I looked at my receipt and noticed that my total was $1.50. I asked the cashier about it and I referred to the 2 for $1 sign. She simply said, “Oh I know what the sign says but if you had read the fine print on the back of the card you would know that if the card is originally over a certain price then the card itself is a dollar.” She spoke this to me in a matter-of-fact tone, like it was something I was supposed to know. I stupidly said “Oh, okay.” and walked out. (by the way, there was no fine print on the back of the card)

Okay, I know I only paid 50 cents more. So it really shouldn’t be a big deal at all. I’m not going to storm back there and demand 50 cents. I’m just angry at the customer service. It’s not the extra money that I’m upset about, it’s the principle of it all.

Even though most of you may not get as mad as me at something like this, I’m sure you can agree that customer service either makes or breaks your experience at a place. The attitudes of the person serving you can have a significant effect on you.

Depending on the mood of the person, your day may be brightened, you may want to buy more, you may come back to that store more often (or whatever business it is)…or he/she could have the completely opposite effect. There’s something about that lady’s tone of voice that really bothered me. And the fact that I’m sure other people may have been mislead into paying more than they intended. I’m also ashamed at the fact that I just walked out and didn’t do anything more to try and stand up for myself.

You may be thinking that she could have just have been having a bad day. This could be true, I agree. And if she was having a bad day, I sympathize for her. However, does this give her an excuse on the job to act in the manner she did? I’m not entirely sure of the answer. A part of me thinks that if I was having a bad day, it would be hard to keep my spirits up. BUT I dont have to bring other people down with me.

I promise I don’t get all passionate and crazy like this all the time. There’s just something about this experience that struck a cord with me. Hopefully it’ll help me think twice when I’m on the job about how I project myself and what effect I have on others.

Okay, done with my soap box.

Sometimes I dream of goals I want to accomplish, bucket list items that I want to check off, or wishes that I hope will someday come true. But simply thinking of these things doesn’t do anything for me. So I’ve chosen to write some of them down in hopes that I’ll start trying to make them come true. Maybe having them written down in a concrete form will be better for me then having them randomly float around in my head. Some are big, some are small. Some are more attainable than others. Some may never come true, and that’s okay. Some may seem insignificant—but they all mean something to me.

I’m going to share these dreams, goals, and wishes with you. These are in no specific order. They are written down as I think of them. (Also, just in case you wanted to know, the title of this blog post is the song that was playing in my head as I wrote this.)

1. Run through the fountain between the BSB and SLC before I graduate.
2. Graduate! And go on to earn a Master’s degree in Social Work.
3. Study for a test more than a day before.
4. Graduate with a 4.0…or at least try my best to.
5. Do something big that my fears would otherwise hold me back from.
6. Travel to all 50 states.
7. Learn to play piano again.
8. Learn to be a better cook.
9. Be fluent in at least 3 languages.
10. Go skydiving!
11. Go on the rides at 6 flags that I refused to go on before.
12. Not worry about anything for a day.
13. Be happy with wherever I end up living after college.
14. Read more.
15. Be more involved with what’s going on in the world.
16. Develop a more healthy lifestyle.
17. See all the movies that I’ve been told I’ve missed out on.
18. Kiss in the rain.
19. Get married to the love of my life.
20. Go on a mission trip.
21. Do something crazy (but not illegal haha).
22. Be a part of a flash mob.
23. Have children someday.
24. Live comfortably, but not extravagantly.
25. Rock climb.
26. Get to the point where I can accept all of my flaws and not complain about them.
27. Be with someone who accepts my flaws too.
28. Fall in love.
29. Volunteer more.
30. Find a job that I love.
31. Make sure that the people I meet who never got to meet my dad will know what a great man he was and everything he taught me.
32. Not judge when my first instinct tells me to.
33. Give people second chances.
34. Give myself second chances when I fail.
35. Go camping with my (future) family every summer.
36. Travel to at least 4 continents.
37. Never lose touch with my closest friends.
38. Never lose my imagination.
39. Make a difference in someone’s life.
40. Take a really big chance.
41. Learn to be completely comfortable in my own skin.
42. Practice random acts of kindness.
43. Pray always.
44.Go on lots of train rides.
45. Live.

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to be adding a lot more to this list as I think of things. But as of now, it feels good to write all of that down. It’ll be cool to look back one day and see how things turned out. If you share any dreams similar to mine or you want share some of yours, message me on Facebook! I’d love to hear them. I hope everyone is having a great day. And if today hasn’t been your best—it’s not too late to seize the day! Carpe Diem! Or..know that tomorrow is a brand new day.

Babysitting and playing with legos. This is my creation. Anyone want to take a guess at the story I was trying to create?:D

I kinda feel like I’m not a true “tumblr” person because I don’t blog all the time. And I sort of feel guilty about it. However, I do have an excuse. My life isn’t that interesting. Well, at least the things I consider “interesting” are probably not the same as what you would consider. 

But for once, I don’t really care if nothing exciting is happening in my life. I’m content with the way things are. Towards the end of the semester, I started feeling happier than I had been in awhile, and I thought it would quickly disappear. But it hasn’t. I’m still as happy as I was then, and it baffles me. I mean, I’m taking 8 AM summer classes and I love going to school..what the heck is wrong with me?! hahah. But in all seriousness, I think my current happiness is a combination of many things, but whatever it is, I feel so blessed. I can’t let myself question it too much.

A part of me can’t help questioning it though. Sometimes I wonder how I deserve to be so happy when there’s millions of people in the world suffering. There are people who are homeless. sick. dying. depressed. hurting. Some people may be at their lowest point…and I’m sitting here happy. But after thinking about this for awhile, I realized something. I’m a very emotional person, and many times I just let my emotions guide me. But I have to be realistic here. I simply cannot go out and help every single person. It just can’t be done. However, I can do little things, at least more than I am doing now.

I need to get out of my lazy mindset and do something for someone else. I have found that it’s much easier to do things that are required of me. I can get up and go to school and work, and that’s fine. When it comes to something optional though, I always find a way out of doing it. Or at least it seems like I do. I have to change that.

So this is totally off topic, but as you can tell from this blog, I do not have an expansive vocabulary. That bothers me. I want to be able to use better words to describe things and write more clearly, but for some reason every time I look up a new word it just doesn’t stick with me. I probably just need to read more.

At this point I feel like I’m writing pointless things in a diary about self-improvement that no one cares to read. Haha so sorry if I just wasted your time.

P.S.- read the poem “Thanatopsis” by William Cullen Bryant. We read it in my American Literature class and I absolutely loved the message it holds. If you do take the time to read this, let me know what you think.

alyssacys:

I’m trying to sleep, the hall is dead quiet, and I can hear someone throwing up in the bathroom.  Good God.  Keeping Collins classy.  You will probably only understand this if you go to Baylor.

This is so true..I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this.